Tales of the Parodyverse

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champagne
Sun Jan 14, 2007 at 12:08:09 pm EST
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Madrid’s Magdalene Museum was packed with the rich and the famous. Politicians, celebrities, millionaires. But right now it was also packed with cops.

“Nobody leaves,” Captain Scarlatti told the fuming Mayor. “Not until we’ve searched everybody. Not until we’ve got body imaging scanners. I’m sorry.”

“You think you’re sorry now?” the Mayor said. He’d got a late date with his mistress tonight and he wasn’t happy about missing it. “If you don’t find that missing diamond, then you’ll be sorry.”

It was true. The colorful gala presentation of the famous Gavotti Diamond had been ruined by the sudden disappearance of the famous Gavotti Diamond – in a crowded hall surrounded by partygoers.

“I’m sorry too, Mr Mayor,” Signor Masini said. As the museum director and organiser of tonight’s display he was looking plenty nervous. “But you understand we have to do whatever we can to try and recover the gemstone.”

“I thought this security system was supposed to be foolproof?” said the Mayor. “State of the art lasers and things.”

“It is state of the art,” Champagne admitted. “Reinforced glass and steel case, movement and pressure sensors, and that web of tiny laser beams that should detect anything bigger than a fly moving inside the cabinet.”

“But the gem’s still missing,” Masini said. “How?”

Champagne knew exactly how the diamond had gone missing. Before it had ever got put into its thief-proof box, back when the security van was stuck in the Milan rush hour traffic. She’d cracked open the truck, used hexacycatetraline to make the guard phase out for sixty seconds or so without realising it, substituted the Gavotti diamond for a clever fake, and left without anyone suspecting the swap. The problem was that the fake had now vanished from the cabinet, and Champagne had nothing to do with that.

Champagne also knew exactly where the diamond was now – on the brooch she was wearing on her sleek black chiffon formalwear. It had been easy to hide it in plain sight on a rosette of other lesser stones. But if the cops started conducting intensive searches, with experts, Champagne knew she was in a lot of trouble.

So she needed to find who had taken the fake, and how, and fast.

Contessa Allegrini had been chatting nearby and had nearly jumped out of her designer St Croix when the security alarm had gone off. “We all saw it. It was right there when the party started.”

“Lots of people were milling about though,” Captain Scarlatti said. “There are a hundred guests here, plus the waiters, museum staff, press…”

“But none of them could cut through the glass,” Champagne pointed out. She ran expert fingers along the seams of the case. It was still solid. “Who has the keys?”

Signor Masini came forward. “You need two keys to open the cabinet. I have one here on my watch chain. The other one is in the safe in the security office, looked after by Sergeant Torroni here. He’s been with the museum for twenty-three years.”

“And you both locked the cabinet when the Gavotti Diamond was placed in there?”

Masini and Torroni agreed. “Signor Masini put the gem on its stand. I activated the pressure gauge and the laser web,” the security man said. “Half a dozen security guys watched us.”

“It was the pressure gauge that triggered the alarm,” said Captain Scarlatti. “It’s as if the gem just… vanished into thin air.”

“There are legends,” Contessa Allegrini whispered. “About a curse.”

“It feels like a curse all right,” said Signor Masini. “The gem’s insured, of course, but the museum’s reputation will be ruined. I’ll be fired.”

“After this fiasco?” said the Mayor, angrily. “Count on it.”

The police had brought an x-ray machine now and they were checking the waiters. If somebody had even swallowed the diamond they’d be able to find out. Other officers were checking the trash to see that it hadn’t somehow been hidden there. Their efforts were in vain.

“Open the box up,” Champagne asked. “I want to check something.”

Sergeant Torroni borrowed his boss’ key and unlocked the reinforced cabinet. Champagne opened her purse and got out her compact. The powder inside made the infrared lasers visible.

“Interesting,” she said. “This cluster of beams here has been repositioned. They’re all aimed at the very spot where the diamond sat.”

“The Gavotti’s been vaporized?” the Contessa cried.

Champagne held her hand under the light. It got hot but not hot enough to burn her, even with the combined lasers. “This wouldn’t melt diamond,” she said. “But…”

Everyone leaned forward as she pulled the velvet cushion out again. It had been checked already by the police, of course, but Champagne was looking for something different.

“There,” she said, showing the crowd the damp patch. “That’s what happened.”

“What?” asked the police captain.

“Well, what if the gem that went into the cabinet wasn’t the Gavotti gem at all? What if it was actually a cunning ice sculpture of identical appearance? Once the lasers heated it up the thing would just melt away, leaving only a slightly moist cushion. The gem didn’t vanish from this cabinet because the real gem never went into it.”

“But I saw Signor Masini put the diamond in there with his own hands,” said Sergeant Torroni. Then he caught up. “Oh.”

“Where’s the real gem?” demanded Captain Scarlatti, grabbing and cuffing the museum curator. “You said it yourself that you’d be fired for this. But you set up a nice retirement package before you left, didn’t you?”

Nobody had searched Masini’s office since it was two floors away and locked off. When they checked they found the sparkling bauble wrapped in a handkerchief in his desk drawer. It looked pretty good for a fake. But then, Champagne liked the best.

“Thank you so much for your help, Signora Champagne,” the Mayor said when the gem was restored to its cabinet in safety. “The city is in your debt. We should offer some kind of reward.”

“Oh, thank you,” Champagne said, “but I have all the reward I want, just to be able to clear up that little mystery.” She smoothed the brooch pinned to her bodice and flashed the Mayor a million-dollar smile. Well, nine point five million after fencing fees, really. She felt she’d really earned it tonight.

But at least the buffet was good.



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